Kathleen from Nozirev

Recently, I decided that I simply had to deal with an issue with my Verizon hardware; it began with incessant beeping, early last month. Therefore, I was forced to call that black hole of darkness, or what I euphemistically refer to as “Phone Support.”
I was informed that the beep indicated that the battery located inside the bowels of the installed wall device that makes the doo-hicky-thingy work for Verizon Wireless devices was dying.
However, I strongly suspect it is how Nozirev, a Deep State public monitoring organization, is keeping tabs on what retirees are doing in their spare time. All these installed devices are an attempt to develop a means to tax seniors for all the “Free time” we have, on which Republicans have hitherto been unable to generate an income. Especially, since the Reverse Mortgage scam did not work out too well, despite all the aging star power brought in to sell it.
Anyway, the phone rep I spoke with said that I needed a new battery and that he would ship one out to my residence within two weeks. It has been nearly four weeks and still no frickin’ battery.
I called again this morning when the lines opened around 08:30 A.M. but found myself listening to that gawd awful on-hold muzac, on-hold anyway, and growing angrier by the minute.
I grew hungry while waiting and made myself a sausage, cheese, and fried egg sandwich on a butter croissant, the flaky ones from Donelan’s while holding the phone in one hand.
Still on hold and munchin’ away one handed, and periodically checking Facebook, I got the idea to visit Verizon dot com and see if there was something helpful there. O’course I cannot remember my password so I was forced to do the whole ‘Forgot Password’ dance to finally get to ‘My Verizon.’ Nothing helpful at all there except concerted and repeated efforts to sell me something, anything, so regardless of my verbal threats into the device that promised to record my conversation with no one, I continued to wait single handedly, while my single-handedly prepared breakfast made its inexorable way through my gullet. Thankfully, I had also made coffee single handedly and enjoyed the clarity of mind that only a cuppa caffeine can render.
It was about this time, while still on hold that I discovered the well-hidden and obscure link to “Online Chat.” I immediately hung up and began a comfortable two fisted, typed conversation with Kathleen.
When she typed the obvious, “Your battery is running low.” I unfairly typed an acerbic reply, “Your brilliance amazes me, now what can be done about it?”
Ultimately, anyone who is employed by Verizon, or who subscribes to Verizon, deserves what he or she gets; however, I started my IT career in the early 90’s doing technical phone support at Lotus Development Corporation, so I understood the difficulties Kathleen faced and modified my behavior accordingly.
Kathleen, for her part, handled the angry curmudgeon on the other end of her phone line with grace, alacrity, and aplomb. She placed my order for a new $48 battery (with shipping but still ouch) and we cordially concluded our business by wishing each other a Happy Thanksgiving. Additionally, I refrained from my usual denunciation of Turkey Day as a dishonorable celebration of would be invaders, thieves, usurpers, and murders; I just went my way, two handed.

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