An Only’s Lament

Warning, what follows is a bit dark.
I am alone, I have always been alone, and I will always be alone. Born an only, live as a single, and I have resolved myself to die as a single; there is no alternative at this point. I am too old, too damaged to be appealing to anyone, and to be blunt, too set in my ways to consider allowing anyone in.
It pains my chest to write these lachrymose words but if I do not type them while the feelings are near the surface, I know that I will forget, and they will drift away like smoke or dust upon the wind to disperse without ever having been read.
Alone is not the choice I would have made for myself, it is simply what happened to me along the way. I really did make several sincere attempts to live as a couple, in a loving relationship when the opportunity presented itself but the joinings never took, the mating failed, and I was ultimately rejected.
One union was not a complete failure; I have two kind, beautiful, and intelligent daughters whom I love very much. However, children grow and eventually embark on a life that is theirs to live, and that is as it should be.
There are forces in each of us that determine if we can live as a couple or not. You can try to argue with them, nevertheless if like me, your karma is to be a solo then it is best to seek acceptance and find a modicum of peace.
The trick, I think, is to age with grace, forgive yourself for the things that are beyond your control, and be happy, taking joy when you are able to do so.

23

There are currently 23 democratic hopefuls, from young and smart to mature and wise. Well, we know that old and stupid does not work, so who to choose? I must admit that I am leaning toward Bernie; however, it is still early and we have yet to hear from the field.

“Here are the 23 Democrats who have said they’re running for president”, “CNN”, “By Karl de Vries and Caroline Kelly”, “17 May 2019”. < https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/21/politics/2020-democrats-running-for-president/index.html >

In numerology, “the number 23 represents a companionable essence expressing a personal sense of freedom. 23 can be thought of as a creative, team-focused number 5 with a preference for quick diplomatic solutions to obstacles.” We shall see soon enough whether these Dems play as a team to decide who will become the one that will challenge Trump. Will they behave like ladies and gentlemen, or will they behave as the republicans did in 2016 and consume each other in vicious name calling dogfights?

“Twenty three is the lowest prime that consists of consecutive digits. Primes have been described as the “atoms” of mathematics – the building blocks of the world of numbers. An American businessman has put up a US$1m (£500,000) prize for the first mathematician to find a pattern in primes – a problem known as the Riemann hypothesis.”

Not to go all John Forbes Nash on you but 23 is a pretty freaky number, do not take my word for it, read it for yourselves.

“23 fascinating facts about the number twenty-three”, “To most, it’s just what comes between 22 and 24. Yet to surprisingly many – including the makers of a new film – it means much more.”, “The Independent”, “By Cahal Milmo and Tom Willetts”, “23 February 2007”. < https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/23-fascinating-facts-about-the-number-twenty-three-6262624.html >

 

 

 

 

 

Energy Vampires, Drama Queens, and Other Damaged People

I find most humans to be both draining and exhausting to spend time with, anything longer that two or three hours and I find myself craving solitude or a long nap; I have always been this way. People think that I am being negative, and perhaps they are right, there is much that is wrong, unjust, and in need of fixing in this world. People being the primary cause.

As a child and young adult, I had a dystopian fantasy, one in which all the people on the planet, one day just simply vanished, leaving me alone and blissfully at peace for once. This Rapture-like scenario has become a popular Sci-Fi genre trope but for me it was a recurring daydream and an effective escape, although it never progressed to the scale of maladaptive daydreaming, it was fun and for me, sanity saving.

Now that I am a senior, recovering from an ABI (Acquired Brain Injury) I have even less tolerance for overly dramatic energy suckers, individuals who exist in a perpetual state of crisis, bouncing from one tragedy to the next, often of their own making, although they can never admit culpability for the situations they cause, and in which they find themselves. I cannot help or fix these individuals, these unfortunates who suffer from a debilitating personality disorder, all that I can do is to limit my exposure, and hope that they get the professional help that they so desperately need.

What surprises me the most is that there is little to no help for persons suffering from this form of narcissistic personality disorder, it largely goes unrecognized in our society, while more visible societal problems, e.g. the opioid crises receives the National spotlight and gets fully funded. Much more needs to be done to help those suffering from the silent disorders, the folks who are less visible but no less damaged. Attention needs to be paid to the invisible disorders before more harm is done. We have even allowed a notorious malignant narcissist to become President of the United States of America and that should never be allowed to happen again!

Are there no alternatives to the Republican Party?

It is baffling to me that some in the US still support the Republican Party and the Trump regime, given their inability to govern for the wellbeing of all the people and not just the wealthy few.

I have taken the liberty of compiling a four item list of the most egregious actions committed by the Trump administration with the support of the Republican Party and worse, defended by it. With a modicum of research I am confident you could find more.

Are there no viable alternatives to the GOP?

I could easily have continued but you get the gist. We can, we must do better than this! Vote in your own best interest in 2020, no one is going to do it for you.

 

I. Republican obsession with dismantling the ACA without a suitable replacement.

“Trump Administration Files Formal Request to Strike Down All of Obamacare”, “The New York Times”, “By Jan Hoffman and Abby Goodnough”, “01 May 2019”. < https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/01/health/unconstitutional-trump-aca.html >

 

II. Obstruction of Justice –

Read the Mueller Report Volume II, page 2. “Accordingly, while this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.” < https://www.justice.gov/storage/report.pdf >

 

III. Trump’s Corrupt Cabinet and Administration

“Trump Team’s Conflicts and Scandals: An Interactive Guide”, “Bloomberg”, “By Reporters: Bill Allison, Jennifer Dlouhy, Anna Edney, Christopher Flavelle, David Kocieniewski, Caleb Melby, Zachary R. Mider, Shahien Nasiripour, Ari Natter and David Voreacos”, “14 March 2019”. < https://www.bloomberg.com/graphics/trump-administration-conflicts/ >

 

IV. Draconian Immigration Policy

Separating children from their parents without keeping track of either parent or child is unconscionable as an immigration policy and yet that is exactly what the Trump Administration is guilty of doing.

“Trump Is Still Separating Families in Possible Violation of a Court Order”, “Slate”, “By MEREDITH HOFFMAN”, “04 April 2019”. < https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2019/04/trump-family-separation-border-threats-sabraw-aclu.html >

Give me Representation or give me Nothing!

If finding representation means having to change who and what I am, or prostituting my writing style just to satisfy the whims of some bored Literary Agent then forget it, I will go my own way. Chasing the next big thing based on the opinions and criteria of a group of self-serving individuals who have a piss-poor record of accomplishment for prognosticating success in their own field of expertise is an exercise in dumbassery.

 

“Literary Agents Seeking Fresh Voices”, “The newest best seller is waiting to be discovered.”, “The New York Times”, “By Caitlin Kunkel, Brooke Preston, Fiona Taylor and Carrie Wittmer”, “20 April 2019”.

Dealing with Writer’s Rejection

Rejection, rejection, rejection, you would think that I would have a solid grasp on managing it by now but like everything else I will have to develop that particular skill a bit more.

I have failed more than most at life’s little game of success and failure; however, regardless of how many times I am rejected, I never get used to it, and it is always painfully soul crushing. Writing is the only activity that I have not given up on, Career, and Relationships of course are now beyond my ability in which to participate but writing, although I came to it late, is still a possibility.

 

My current rejection rate stands between 31% with approx. 30 more queries to submit and 47% over a three-year period. At some point, I will have to switch to self-publishing but I not ready for that yet.

 

The Environmental Wars
8/1/2018 Sent To be Sent
Number of queries 73 73 0
Rejections 28
Percentage 38.36%
Outstanding 45 61.64%
Antebellum
1/1/2019
Number of queries 83 83 0
Rejections 39
Percentage 46.99%
Outstanding 44 53.01%
The Voyages
9/1/2019 Sent To be Sent
Number of queries 85 116 31
Rejections 26
Percentage 30.59%
Outstanding 59 69.41%
Average Rejection Rate 38.64%
Average Response Rate 61.36%

 

 

“The Bulletproof Writer: How To Deal With Rejection”, “The Creative Penn”, “By Joanna Penn”, “30 March 2017”. < https://www.thecreativepenn.com/2017/03/30/bulletproof-writer/ >

A Thought Guide to 2020

As I drift through the early stages of the 2020 election cycle, pondering my choices for the highest office in the Land, I would like to share a few initial thoughts.
 
I watched an interview on CNN with Peter Buttigieg, I was impressed with his calm and thoughtful demeanor, this is a brilliant man, and a stark contrast to the quasi-literate demagogue we currently have leading the Nation.
Were I to vote for him in 2020, assuming he wins the nomination, I would certainly have expunged the last vestiges of any lingering homophobia in my heart, perhaps that is reason enough to vote for Mayor Pete.
 
Another, more disturbing issue I have been pondering of late is our commonly held belief in our right to behave like anarchists. I freely admit to advocating for lawless behavior on occasion, “Rise Up or Die!” ~ Chris Hedges, being one of my most frequent posts. While I still believe in activism, it must be tempered by the Rule of Law – “the restriction of the arbitrary exercise of power by subordinating it to well-defined and established laws.”
One cannot rationalize the destruction of property, theft, or violence because of your personal belief that you hold the moral high ground, regardless of how romantic that might sound.
For example:
One should not think (even in one’s private thoughts,)
“I’m a Jew, my people have been persecuted; therefore, I have the moral integrity to choose which laws to obey or disobey.”
“I’m an environmentalist, I protect the planet; therefore, I can trample and destroy the property of others.”
“I am a Black person, I have been oppressed; therefore, I can kill any member of Law Enforcement because they have murdered my people.”
“I am a privileged White person, I am afraid and angry because my way of life is eroding and I do not know what to do about it; therefore, I can carry out domestic acts of terrorism.”
“I am a billionaire, I have the right to amass more-more than I need or could possibly use in one lifetime.”
 
The list is long, I could go on but you get the idea.
 
What is perfectly appropriate to think and act; however, is “how I can connect with other like-minded individuals and peacefully demonstrate, march, write, or speak for the ideas and Ideals that I believe.”
 
Sure, many things in the US are wrong, and need to change, should change, and hopefully, if we work together they will change. Now is the time to do our homework, vet our candidates for the Party and persons running to lead our Nation. Now, more than ever, it is our duty to adhere to the Rule of Law.
 
Thank you for your time.